I hate being passive aggressive...it's driving me crazy...just when I find a way to release the aggression built up with one problem...another one surfaces...and I'm left feeling completely angry...and completely alone in this world...it's like no one understands me...I can't share anything truthfully with anyone...I'm aware of so many of my problems and the causes of them...and at the same time I'm helpless to do anything about them...and my passive aggressive nature keeps everything away from the people who can help me...every week a new problem arises...and as I begin to slowly correct that problem...I neglect the previous problems that needed work...it's a vicious cycle...and I don't know what to do...right now it's a conscious effort for me to fix these problems...and I'm hoping one day they'll be subconscious...but it's not working right now...I just have too many issues I haven't dealt with my entire life...but here's a layered cake diagram of my problems...the bottom being the foundation and main catalyst of my problems...

LACK OF TRUST IN THE ONES I LOVE
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INADEQUACY/INSECURITY
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PASSIVE AGGRESSION (UNABLE TO DEAL WITH MY PROBLEMS DIRECTLY)

All the things above passive aggression ignite the fire...my passive aggression is the fuel that keeps the fire going...and I know if I could just stop that...solving my other problems would be so easy...but how do you stop being YOURSELF???...something you've been for the past 26 years...it's such a deep hole I've dug for myself...so deep I feel completely insignificant...I have constant thoughts of non-existence...that this world wouldn't have skipped a beat if I hadn't been born...so where do I begin to regain my self-worth?...when will I finally put out that fire?...why am I so lost?...all questions but no answers...

Goddamn I hate self-loathing...and that's another reason I hate myself...I'm a walking hypocrisy...I hate all these things...and yet I'm everything I hate...

Tonight I almost broke up with my gf cuz I hate myself...and she deserves so much better...I just wish I didn't have to feel this way...